


“Cause I'm a lost river that'll never reach the sea, When you're not here with me”

by JulzSnape



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Castiel, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Book of the Damned, Castiel Meets Charlie Bradbury, Castiel in the Bunker, Coda, Destiel Forever, Domestic, Emotional Dean, Gen, Implied Castiel/Dean Winchester, M/M, Mark of Cain, Oscar Wilde quote, Prompt Fill, Protective Castiel, Season/Series 10, Song Lyrics, Spoilers, s10e18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-23 05:36:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3756361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JulzSnape/pseuds/JulzSnape
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SPOILERS! s10e18 Book of the Damned coda. SPOILERS!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I have no purpose, Dean. No mission. I can’t go back to Heaven, I’ve caused too many issues and from what I hear, Hannah has everything under control. Heaven doesn’t need me.”</p>
<p>“I do,” Dean blurted before he could stop himself. He felt his cheeks heat as Castiel’s head snapped up, blue eyes boring into Dean’s green. </p>
<p>“Cas, I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. The one shot I finally had to get this damn Mark off was a bust. Everyone I love is running themselves into the ground trying to save me, but at this point…I’m not even sure I want to be saved."</p>
            </blockquote>





	“Cause I'm a lost river that'll never reach the sea, When you're not here with me”

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mizackles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mizackles/gifts).



> This is a coda to 10x18 The Book of the Damned. If you haven’t seen it yet, read no further! This was also written as a prompt request with the song Gone by Bebe Rexha as inspiration for the title.
> 
> Disclaimer: Supernatural isn’t mine, but if it was, Dean and Castiel would be banging like bunnies!

Late night in the bunker was very quiet, almost too quiet. Dean had made his excuses to Charlie, who would probably play Cootie until the wee hours of the morning if Castiel obliged Charlie’s insistence to ‘pick a color’ over and over. It had been…interesting and – hell, it was fucking adorable to see his two best friends finally meet. He knew Charlie and Cas would get on like a house on fire – well, maybe not the best analogy.

Anyway, Dean was glad Charlie and Castiel had finally met, and was glad to have them both in the bunker, safe. Sam had retired early too, clearly distracted and worried about Dean, what with the concerned puppy-dog eyes he kept flashing at Dean all night. He knew his little brother was worried and scared – so was Dean. But he knew that the Book of the Damned wasn’t the answer.

 As soon as Charlie had showed him that book, he felt the Mark begin to throb and felt such a strong pull towards the book, it scared the hell out of him. He’d all but zoned out and made a mad dash with the book before he gave it back to Sam. Dean knew that once a way to translate and decode that book was found, he wouldn’t be able to control himself. Whatever the book required to remove the Mark, or whatever biblically disastrous consequence came about from using a spell to remove it was not worth it. Dean was done starting (and finishing) apocalypses, thank you very much.

Now, lying in bed in his room, Dean felt the fear and panic grip his chest. Stein had said the book had the power to remove the Mark; he’d had a way out in his hands, but it wasn’t the answer. Yet again, Dean’s only hope was a colossal fail. It wasn’t fair; hadn’t he given enough, saved enough people, ganked enough monsters, and sacrificed enough to get one fucking break?

Well…Cas did get his Grace back, at least. Dean had been worried that with Castiel’s insistence to help save Dean, he’d let the stolen Grace inside of him burn out once more. He couldn’t watch the angel do that to himself. No one else was dying for Dean. If that was what it would take to remove the Mark, he’d take being a Demon, locked in the bunker dungeon forever.

Seeing Castiel happy and actually smiling with Charlie was a great sight. Everyone had been so high strung and stressed out the last few weeks, and Dean hated that everyone was unraveling trying to help him. He didn’t want the people he loved to burn themselves out and drive themselves crazy – all because of him.

It had felt like forever since he’d seen Castiel. Just hearing his voice over the phone hadn’t been enough; Dean needed to see the angel, needed to feel his presence and power close to him. Lately it felt as though Castiel was far away, even when he was near. He knew Castiel had a lot on his mind – they all did. Dean felt selfish for wanting more of Castiel’s focus and attention, but he did. Castiel was trying so hard to find a way to save Dean that it seemed he didn’t realize that what Dean really needed was his best friend.

There was a gentle knock on his bedroom door, startling Dean out of his thoughts. He checked his watch; one in the morning. Who would be knocking so late? Maybe Charlie needed another blanket. Dean got up and shuffled to the door, opening it to find not Charlie, but Castiel.

“Hey Cas, thought you’d have taken wing by now. What’s up?”

Castiel looked conflicted, his brow drawn down and his mouth pulled into a tight line. He looked uncomfortable, but determined. Without really asking, the angel brushed his way passed Dean into the hunter’s room.

“I don’t really have anywhere to ‘take wing’ to, Dean. I…someone said something to me that really made me think and I realized that I’m not an angel anymore.”

Dean frowned as he sat on the edge of his bed, patting the spot beside him for Castiel to join him. His friend looked almost distraught as he sat beside him, playing with his blue striped tie just to do something with his hands.

“What do you mean? You just got your mojo back! You’re a full-fledged angel again,” said Dean with a smile, though he didn’t really feel all that happy about it. If Castiel had his Grace back, he was free to zap away any old time now without having to worry about his Grace burning out.

“I have no purpose, Dean. No mission. I can’t go back to Heaven, I’ve caused too many issues and from what I hear, Hannah has everything under control. Heaven doesn’t need me.”

“I do,” Dean blurted before he could stop himself. He felt his cheeks heat as Castiel’s head snapped up, blue eyes boring into Dean’s green. Shit, he hadn’t meant to say that out loud, but in for a penny, in for a pound…

“Cas, I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. The one shot I finally had to get this damn Mark off was a bust. Sam is losing his shit trying to find an answer. Charlie went to Spain to get that damn book, for fuck’s sake. She got shot running from those douchebags. You’ve been out there looking for answers, hunting down Cain and everything. Everyone I love is running themselves into the ground trying to save me, but at this point…I’m not even sure I want to be saved. I’m not worth all of the trouble you guys are going through. ”

Dean felt a hand grip his wrist and swallowed convulsively, feeling a burn begin behind his eyes for some stupid reason. What was wrong with him?

“Don’t say that, don’t you _ever_ say that. Charlie, Sam, and myself – we wouldn’t be doing all of this if we didn’t think you were worth it. Dean, you’ve always been my mission. From raising you out of hell, to making sure you didn’t say ‘yes’ to Michael. Everything we’ve been through…I’ve always had you to come back to. I can’t – I _won’t_ let anything happen to you, no matter what it takes.”

The burning behind Dean’s eyes increased until it turned to tears on his cheeks. He quickly wiped them away, feeling raw and exposed. The only other person besides Sammy to ever make Dean feel truly loved and needed was Castiel. They had been through hell and back – literally – but they always found their way back to each other. The only other person he could say that about was his brother, but this was different. This was _Cas_.

Dean startled as Castiel cupped his cheek, turning Dean’s face, which the hunter had tried to shield to hide his tears, towards him. They were so close together, Dean could count every eyelash. He took a shuddering breath as the angel leaned forward and pressed a warm, lingering kiss to his forehead. Suddenly, it was like the levy broke.

Weeks of stress and fear, pain and guilt just poured out of him in tears as Castiel pulled Dean into his arms. He allowed himself to be held and gave up trying to hide his emotions, crying quietly into Castiel’s trench coat. The angel turned more towards Dean, wrapping his arms tighter around the hunter.

“Fuck, Cas, I’m scared…I don’t want anyone else to get hurt because of me. I’m too tired to keep doing this. I told Sam I needed an extended vacation, but I think what I really need is to retire. I can’t handle this shit anymore,” Dean admitted, his lips brushing Castiel’s neck as he spoke. The angel shuddered at the touch, and Dean felt his heart stutter.

Experimentally, Dean pressed an open-mouthed kiss to Castiel’s neck, his hot breath slipping down his collar, causing another more pronounced shudder.

“Dean – ” was all Castiel got out before Dean’s lips were pressed against his own. There was a moment that felt like it was suspended in time as Dean panicked.

What the fuck was he _doing_? Castiel was a dude – well, an angel, but he was wearing a dude’s meat-suit. And not only that, but he was Dean’s best friend. What was he thinking? Right as he was about to pull away and apologize for his thoughtless actions, Castiel began to kiss him back.

It wasn’t the hesitant kiss of a blushing virgin or the soft kiss of someone not quite sure what was happening. No, Castiel kissed Dean like his entire life up to that moment, centuries of existence, had all been leading up to this kiss. His lips were chapped and dry, but one swipe of Dean’s tongue across his bottom lip, and Castiel opened up and drew Dean in like a drowning man reaches for the shore; desperate and longing.

Dean’s head began to spin from the overwhelming emotions and flipping sensations in his gut and he clung to the lapels of the angel’s trench coat for dear life. Castiel’s kiss was like a tornado; it lifted Dean up and took him for a ride he hadn’t been expecting. His tongue slid languidly with the angel’s as their lips tangled and their teeth gently clashed. Dean felt Castiel nip at his bottom lip, and suddenly, this wasn’t just a kiss – it was a challenge.

Using the advantage of his position, Dean pushed Castiel back onto the bed, still clinging to his coat, and then he was diving in for more. He felt the angel’s hands flounder for a minute before one took hold in a death grip on the back of Dean’s shirt, and the other find its way to tangle in his hair.

Dean felt the situation starting to get away from him as he pulled back long enough to catch his breath, and Castiel quickly pulled him back down for another deep, open-mouthed kiss that curled the hunter’s toes. He felt the familiar heat begin to gather in the pit of his stomach, and pulled away again, leaving one last lingering kiss to Castiel’s lips. He wasn’t quite sure what the hell was happening, but he wasn’t about to have sex with his best friend after crying all over him.

“Well…that was unexpected,” Dean whispered, his chest still pressed against Castiel’s, pinning the angel to the bed. He could feel Castiel’s heart beat hammering in his chest, and felt a spark of pride.

“As Oscar Wilde once wrote, ‘Expect the unexpected’,” Castiel said with a smile as he pulled Dean down for one more quick kiss. “We will figure this out, I promise.”

Dean laid his head comfortably on the angel’s chest and sighed, feeling content for the first time in a very long time. “Good, because I’m not ready to give this up.”

The last thing Dean knew before he drifted off into sleep was the angel mojo-ing them into a more comfortable position on the bed, then a hand rubbing soothing circles onto his back.

“Neither am I.”

 

END


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